Smugness is never attractive

I was startled into remembering this fact early this morning, upon returning to my company e-mail inbox and learning that three of my friends and colleagues had been laid off. This took me (and I am sure them) by complete surprise. Perhaps it shouldn't have; our workload has experienced a significant lull. But, we've had lulls before, without layoffs.

In the instant I read the message, I was completely present to my smugness. Great job, good pay, flexible schedule. Na na na, I've got it better than you who bitch about your job. Ooops, except that I have been bitching about my job, too. Why? No real reason. Other than maybe it's too good, too easy, runs too smoothly = predictable, low stress, boring, dull. Careful what you wish for. Nothing to turn up the adrenaline meter in a hurry like the threat of impending loss of one's livelihood. Especially one's good paying, low stress, flexible schedule livelihood. Now maybe I haven't even really been bitching about my job or engaging in smuggness, as in out loud to people, but I know I have in my head. And experience has taught me that my indulged thoughts eventually, even (and sometimes especially) against my better judgment, inevitably leak out my mouth.

So where might this hopefully internal smugness have been on display? Well, we just recently had our company party. Swanky dinner and overnight at a swanky hotel. In the spirit of the event, perhaps a bit too much wine. And with it, a sharp witted tongue perhaps too freely employed. Suddenly I am wracking my brain. What exactly did I say? To whom? Whatever, whomever it was, I remember that they laughed and acted impressed and amused by my banter. Just the reaction I was looking for. Score one for me. Aren't I clever, aren't I funny.

Only I am pretty sure than none of my quips were of gratitude and appreciation. For the job. For the brilliant and supportive people I work with. For the unique and flexible work environment they've created. I am deathly afraid that some of the bitching about being bored, some of the smugness may have leaked out. And even if it didn't, in light of the new challenges my former colleagues are now faced with, for my indulgent thoughts, I find myself ashamed, worried, humbled.

Now this is why I sometimes think its best that I spend my evenings at home. Alone. On my couch. With my dog. And TV. It's tough to cause trouble for myself that way. No leakage.

And the lesson for me? It takes energy and daily practice to maintain a true attitude of gratitude. To remain humble in the face of generous blessings. See, I had even gotten smug about that; "I am a person who makes a point to be thankful for the blessings in my life." Good for me, aren't I smart, aren't I clever?

I bet if I practiced daily living in a state of humility and gratitude, I wouldn't have to worry about what might leak out of my mouth, regardless of wine consumption.